Arson Man Answers Your Questions

Just like I promised, our resident hero has returned with sound, sage advice for your pursuit of pyro. Let’s get started…


Dear Arson Man,

My parents won’t let me play with FIREWORKS because they say they are dangerous. Is this true?

Billy, Bakersfield, CA Age: 9

AM: A great question, Billy. FIREWORKS are very safe, but it looks like your parents are incredibly ignorant and are afraid of loud noises. Parents like that could seriously endanger a child’s well being. Best thing to do is call Child Protective Services and tell them that your parents are feeding you ALPO.


Dear Arson Man,

I am a 5th grade teacher and I would like to teach my students the dangers of consumer FIREWORKS. How do I block this website?

Mrs. Nousebaum, Atlanta GA Age: Somewhat old and cranky!

AM: That’s easy; just take a bath with your computer…AND A RUNNING TOASTER OVEN!


Dear Arson Man,

Last year my puppy got scared from all the FIREWORKS going off and ran into traffic and got run over. I HATE FIREWORKS.

Sara, Akron, OH Age: 7

AM: Little one, I am so sorry you lost your little puppy, but the truth is he didn’t run into traffic. Those people you think are your parents actually COOKED your puppy and ate it to gain energy for their evil powers. You see my dear, you were kidnapped by circus folk when you were just a baby and slowly they have been brainwashing you to hate FIREWORKS. My advice; RUN AWAY FROM HOME!


Hey Arson Man,

I been out smokin’ that crak an’ eatin’ all the homeboys love cause its pretty up there with the cops kickin my ass with all that Mickey D’s and the grease fire be killin with my strap-on love burnin people with all that shit flyin up in yo face ‘cause Jesus is a rock star…BITCH GIVE ME SOME CRAKERS BAYBEE!

Banjo Pussywhistle, Skid Row Age: unknown

AM: My friend, thank you so much for your support. It’s good to see people out there standing by their freedom. For your kind words we are sending you a brick of Tijuana Toilet Blasters and a road flare! ENJOY!


Dear Arson Man,

I am a firefighter who has seen first hand the destructive nature and human toll that consumer FIREWORKS cause. After reading this website I am convinced that you are a danger to society and need to be locked up. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!!

Fireman Dan, Hollywood, CA Age: withheld

AM: Ah, the ranting of a communist! You sir are a HATER OF FREEDOM! My advice to you is take your socialist-nanny dogma and float your way back to whatever third world hellhole you crawled out of. Just make sure to leave a forwarding address so we know which country to nuke off the face of the EARTH!!! LET FREEDOM REIGN!!!


Hey Arson Man,

What’s the best brand of bottle rocket to use against hamsters? We’ve been under siege for weeks from these furry demons of the underworld and we’re desperate to get the upper hand before we lose most of the town.

James, Santa Fe, NM Age: 28

AM: Black Cat 9 oz rockets should do the trick! Just be sure to roll them in glue and glass shavings before use. That should send those little fur balls back to HELL!


Well kids, that’s it for now. Keep those letters coming and remember: Fire…everywhere FIRE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!