Sunday, February 15, 2009

FIREWORKS Haiku: Lawmaker?

Insane lawmaker,
Death Penalty For Sparklers?
Revolution NOW!

-Have some FIREWORKS haiku? Post your nonsense in the comments section!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Arson Man Answers Your Questions

Just like I promised, our resident hero has returned with sound, sage advice for your pursuit of pyro. Let’s get started…

Dear Arson Man,

My parents won’t let me play with FIREWORKS because they say they are dangerous. Is this true?

Billy, Bakersfield, CA Age: 9

AM: A great question, Billy. FIREWORKS are very safe, but it looks like your parents are incredibly ignorant and are afraid of loud noises. Parents like that could seriously endanger a child’s well being. Best thing to do is call Child Protective Services and tell them that your parents are feeding you ALPO.

Dear Arson Man,

I am a 5th grade teacher and I would like to teach my students the dangers of consumer FIREWORKS. How do I block this website?

Mrs. Nousebaum, Atlanta GA Age: Somewhat old and cranky!

AM: That’s easy; just take a bath with your computer…AND A RUNNING TOASTER OVEN!

Dear Arson Man,

Last year my puppy got scared from all the FIREWORKS going off and ran into traffic and got run over. I HATE FIREWORKS.

Sara, Akron, OH Age: 7

AM: Little one, I am so sorry you lost your little puppy, but the truth is he didn’t run into traffic. Those people you think are your parents actually COOKED your puppy and ate it to gain energy for their evil powers. You see my dear, you were kidnapped by circus folk when you were just a baby and slowly they have been brainwashing you to hate FIREWORKS. My advice; RUN AWAY FROM HOME!

Hey Arson Man,

I been out smokin’ that crak an’ eatin’ all the homeboys love cause its pretty up there with the cops kickin my ass with all that Mickey D’s and the grease fire be killin with my strap-on love burnin people with all that shit flyin up in yo face ‘cause Jesus is a rock star…BITCH GIVE ME SOME CRAKERS BAYBEE!

Banjo Pussywhistle, Skid Row Age: unknown

AM: My friend, thank you so much for your support. It’s good to see people out there standing by their freedom. For your kind words we are sending you a brick of Tijuana Toilet Blasters and a road flare! ENJOY!

Dear Arson Man,

I am a firefighter who has seen first hand the destructive nature and human toll that consumer FIREWORKS cause. After reading this website I am convinced that you are a danger to society and need to be locked up. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!!

Fireman Dan, Hollywood, CA Age: withheld

AM: Ah, the ranting of a communist! You sir are a HATER OF FREEDOM! My advice to you is take your socialist-nanny dogma and float your way back to whatever third world hellhole you crawled out of. Just make sure to leave a forwarding address so we know which country to nuke off the face of the EARTH!!! LET FREEDOM REIGN!!!

Hey Arson Man,

What’s the best brand of bottle rocket to use against hamsters? We’ve been under siege for weeks from these furry demons of the underworld and we’re desperate to get the upper hand before we lose most of the town.

James, Santa Fe, NM Age: 28

AM: Black Cat 9 oz rockets should do the trick! Just be sure to roll them in glue and glass shavings before use. That should send those little fur balls back to HELL!

Well kids, that’s it for now. Keep those letters coming and remember: Fire…everywhere FIRE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Arson Heroes: Moapa Madness!!!

Check this fool out! Its a tad long winded, but this guy loves his PYRO.

I heard he's gonna try and outdo himself this year. Our hats are off to you...AND BRING A DAMN LIGHTER NEXT TIME!!!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Arson Heroes: 8500 Bottle Rockets!

Every so often we will be highlighting those that have gone a step beyond and created great chaos with FIREWORKS!

This week I bring you a favorite among bottle rocket enthusiasts; 8500 BOTTLE ROCKETS!

Great ingenuity and a total disregard for personal safety. A true ARSON HERO!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Arson Man is Coming!

We have a superhero here at Holiday Arson...introducing ARSON MAN!

He will be here in a few days for some Q & A, so get your questions in.


Traits of a FIREWORKS Hater!

Want to know if someone is a FIREWORKS Hater? Look for these traits:

  • Always spouting the LIE that FIREWORKS are DANGEROUS.
  • The sight of FIREWORKS makes them beet red in the face.
  • They tell unbelievable stories of how sparklers kill millions of children every year.
  • They kick puppies.
  • They throw their votes away on third party candidates.
  • They smell and live in their own filth.
  • They are Terminal Virgins!
  • They enjoy telling children that Santa Clause choked to death while swallowing one of his elves whole!
  • They fail to flush.
And the FINAL thing to look for in a HATER:

  • They deliberately pee in the pool after eating Asparagus just to ruin the July 4th BBO!

If you meet anyone who meets some or all of these traits....KILL THEM!

Is YOUR State a VICTIM of FIREWORKS Prejudice?

You have got to love Phantom FIREWORKS. They have a great page full of links to state by state regulations of our favorite pastime.

Just find your state and click. If your state doesn't ban FIREWORKS, then send your Governor a nice postcard thanking them for keeping FIREWORKS legal.

If they do ban them...then send your Governor a huge bag of STEER MANURE! Then burn them in effigy!



Friends, it has been too long! Just to get you up to speed, this blog is all about the wonderful world of consumer and homemade fireworks and the joyous destruction that they bring. Much of the talk will revolve around things that go BOOM, skin grafts and missing limbs!